NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
