come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
