Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
