Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
