no, he came in my armpit
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
