I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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