Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
