the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
