I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
