I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
