i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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