i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
