my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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