I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
