Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
