I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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