I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
