I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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