It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
