Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I would fuck him just for his dog
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
