My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
