After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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