Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
God, I missed his penis.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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