Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Rumble strips road head = magical
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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