Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
