I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
