He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
