I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
