I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
