Soap is not a condiment
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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