Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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