Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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