totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
