all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
