There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
