dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
