Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
