i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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