i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
