okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
