I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Randomize
