this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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