i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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