Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
