Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
