so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
