The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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