the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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