he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
