Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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