i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
