My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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