The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
